Stupefied you

How did we get here? All the faces around you ask the same question. But seriously, does anyone actually know. You still search for the answer. You are not willing to give up on it yet. A volley of questions hit you in the face. Over and over, same old, same old. You keep telling yourself you need to know; it is vital to know in order to forget. But memory is a wretched curse. It always has been.
You lie, chemically altered and snippets from various trips flash before your eyes. You wonder. You hit a replay button, day my day, moment by moment. What was the turning point; the beginning of the end? Is it still ending or is it a new beginning already? Going through the motions- people say that’s what it’s all about. But what happens when you keep going through someone else’s motions instead of your own? The strange lingering fear of there actually being no motion of your own at all; Just the horrid lull. No you, only a stupefied version of what you used to be.

No password. No truth.

The time is pretty usual, more than half the floor is sleeping. I should be working, but really, that is just an excuse to light another cigarette and stare into the night. This is my time. As always I dwell on the past, think of the possible (or improbable) future. It’s all pretty pointless, except it’s very important. Tonight I can’t help but think of that word document so carefully hidden in that old laptop, locked away in safety. I was prying I know, taking my baby steps towards absolute paranoia. But there it was, an honest disclosure by the one with the magical words; and there was no way of knowing what it actually said. Apart from learning improved ways of data protection, I also got the true taste of desperation. Yes, I was desperate to know. He had told me everything, he said, but then again that was what he told me. There was no reason to disbelieve, I suppose, and I didn’t. It was just that I had to know what he told himself. I did not realize it then, but that night it was not just the prose that I couldn’t read, I couldn’t reach.

just another thought

Days come and days go. Sometimes it’s sunny, sometimes it rains, sometimes it’s cold, sometimes hot and sultry; But mostly it’s just perspective. There are incidents, feelings, emotions that change our perspective, change the weather every day, every moment. But the strangest thing is that in retrospect, it all seems bright and happy. That is the unique aspect of negativity; new troubles nearly always dilute old ones that had seemed so heartbreaking in their prime that it didn’t seem like life could go on; but then it did. Sadly, that is not the only distinctive feature of sorrow. The more important trait therefore is the fact that it makes us forget the first one and thus never allows rational thought to take charge.

Life here is a lot like that. After a point of time, it’s mostly about getting through each day. Hence, the weather is mostly depressing. Lately, for us manic depressives, it has been humid and oppressive like something out there wants to stifle the life out of us, but to those who are happy, appreciating the oft outbursts of heavenly sprinklers has been keeping them busy. A close study of my own life and people around me has led me to firmly belief that it is not difficult to understand the pattern of life in our beloved university. It maintains a symbiotic balance. At all times the university can be evenly divided into ecstatic, blissful, moderately happy, indifferent, sad, very sad and suicidal people. But the interesting aspect is how the same 500 (I have failed to observe post graduate students) people manage to play musical chairs within these broadly classified groups.

It is unfair to say that there exists only a unilateral relationship between the state of being and the weather. There has been evidence to the contrary as well. The weather has had a most profound influence on our behavior and viewpoints. Take for example, the effect of the current weather situation on couples; the older complacent ones have been clashing, the ladies bickering and the men sulking. They can easily attribute it to the excess moisture content in the air. On the other hand, the newly bloomed romances are taking heart from the occasional downpour and blooming further. So the weather and we are clearly in a successful relationship based on the classic tenets of mutual peace and co existence. It has passed the test of time and endurance and has shown all signs of a healthy, stable marriage. So take heart, fellow sufferers because this is the only lingering liaison that is not under threat.

bus banter

okay. so my office is in a part of town about which i have no clue. so travel is an issue. yesterday i somehow managed to get back home by literally hanging off the rod for dear life. Add to that getting screamed at by a bunch of very pissing off women. In my defence... i didn' t even "give any pressure" (thats what one of them said, LOL). well, today i had to come to office on my own. I got up on the bus which was followed by a very embarrassing direction to the conductor from my maid asking him to drop me off at the correct bus stop. i ignored the ebarrassment and smartly chose a seat (i was the first person to get on, so i was spoilt for choice) and then something strange happened...i was asked to get up (that too very unceremoniusly) because that was apparantly a "gent's seat". well, well...the world is changing i guess. that was not all, something else happened, but this was nicer...this girl asked for my permission to sit on the empty seat next to me (yes, it was a public bus). At another time i would have just laughed within, but after yesterday's harrowing experience...what can i say, i was almost touched.

Hindi Connection

Coming back to internships again, my present joke of a work experience is rather odd. Everybody talks to me in Hindi...even the "very bengali" bangalis who just cannot. it was only yesterday, i kept answering all of the receptionist's queries in bengali when infact every question was asked to me in Hindi. I know she is a bong, i have made it amply clear that i am a bong...then why the need for hindi?? this is a very interesting phenomenon that plagues a lot of us bengalis actually...the want to talk in another language to make the discourse sound official. it happened this other time when my father was talking to a traffic policemen. Neither spoke in remotely correct hindi, but nonetheless they did speak in hindi. Since i didn't have anything to do today (read had but chose not to) i kept thinking about the whole hindi connection. very very baffling indeed.

Sach Ka Samna

There is a reason why some wise guy once said- "ignorance is bliss". As we sat, semi stoned, semi exhausted in that excitingly cheap (only speaking of the tariff) hotel room in Pushkar, our eyes glued to the dangerously controversial, delightfully wicked new show on tv, Sach ka Samna (That later raised quite a stir) we were hungry...again. But this time it was hunger for scandal. Thus the lie detector was lit (literally lit; if you know what i mean) and as mystifying smoke started to cloud our minds, people warmed up more and more to the idea till one of us volunteered to be put to test. For people who don't think this is a big deal, i've got to say this was no silly game of truth or dare where you derive food for juicy gossip out of reluctant friends. This was dark. and deep. You can say " what happens in pushkar stays in pushkar" but we all knew that this li'l thing that we were all contemptuously laughing at could actually make or break relationships, change equations and twist stereotypes but human follies never did heed reason and that somehow is the strange wonder of life. It all happened; secrets were out, moments of stunned silence, laughter, shock, venom, nervous giggles and most importantly the TRUTH- silently revelling in devilish delight. Yet amidst the drama, shock and disbelief- something changed for the better. No. this is not a preachy, soppy post about friendship and how friends accept eachother and all that bullshit. Its about a bunch of people who are open to human follies, yearn for scandal, enjoy gossip, express emotions and finally move on and get over it - eat pizza, share a joint and enjoy the rest of the trip;each in their own leisurely way.
p.s.- The show was great. too much fun. waiting for season 2. :)

Duniya ke is bheer mein sabse peeche hum khade...

1) when something bad happens to you in the very first class of the first day of a semester.
2) when you end calling up your ex-boyfriend 20 million times even after a month of being unceremoniously dumped by him.
3) when you go on a banana boat ride inspite of not knowing how to swim.
4) when you leave a camera worth 23,000 rupees in your hostel room and go home for a two and a half month vacation genuinely believing that it shall remain just where you left it.
5) when you go to an ATM just before going for dinner and leaving town and realise that your ATM card is not there in that pocket of your wallet where it usually was happy to be.

These are my top 5 reasons(not in any order of ranking) to claim the ' THE STUPIDEST COLLEGE GOING LOSER ON EARTH' award. In case fellow members of the 'LOOJAAR' club think they stand a better chance i shall be awaiting their inputs.

This is a self pity blog post. And its OK sometimes. And i don't give two hoots about what you think of me.