A Letter

Dear Friend (If that is what you are)

This is a letter to you, though it shall never reach you. Words define relationships but sometimes the nature of the relationship does not allow us to say them out loud. I shall never say these words to your face but I must say them nonetheless and hence I chose this medium of secrecy. Friends ask me what I feel for you now. I tell them I don’t know. My response is not entirely untrue but I can’t help but wonder whether it is the lack of knowledge that plagues me or my inability to comprehend what I do know. This is a sort of confusion that creates an uneasiness which though not as devastating as the feeling of helplessness at having lost a loved one, is slightly unnerving. The thought of you; or us, does not make me dizzy with joy as it once did when you were mine neither does it make my head reel in despair like it did when you walked away. It is different. I am not overwhelmed with pleasure or grief. This feeling is not in the least disturbing, instead it is calm. Any interaction with you does not overpower me as it used to. I happen to be experiencing a new found control over myself. It is not half as exciting as having found someone to love or as nerve racking as heartbreak but whatever it is, it’s new and that always leaves room for some confusion. “Is it over then?”, I ask myself but the old heart does not answer in the affirmative. Of course I still love you; how can I not? Every imperfection of yours’ is dear to me. However I find myself no longer bound to you. For the first time since the day I met you I am standing on my side of the street, unwilling to cross over at the slightest instance; my love not seeking to tend to you instead basking in the comfort of how I perceive it should be. Whatever I am, However I intend to be, it is all in the moment. Finally nothing is predetermined; I have no answers to any questions that might arise in the future. Standing at these crossroads I can only wish us well, whether our paths decide to intertwine or go their diverse ways.

Sincerely,
Friend (If that is what I am)